Archive for September, 2009

Invisable Illness

September 24, 2009

Now here is the thing, some disorders or illness are very plain to see, others are very hard to see.  The thing is tons of people shrug off the invisable illness.  Or put blame where blame should not be laid, such as the parenting methods of parents, or life style choices made by individuals.
Dude has a few different invisible illnesses, he has Sensory Processing Disorder, Developmental coordination Disorder, OCD, and Extreme generalized anxiety disorder.  Some days I wish we could put his little brain in a wheel chair, that way I think less people would question us less, or maybe more, which would not nessasarily be a bad thing.  The thing is alot of people are scared, and continue with the stigma that mental illness is not a “real” illness.  Ignorance truly is bliss, and if people are unwilling to learn about such things, than that is their loss, because truly chances are that someone close to everyone of us suffers from some sort of invisible illness. 

For people that think it is something can be ignored, or something that these people can just snap out of, I beg to differ, there is no worse myth than this one!

When Dude was 6 he started threatening suicide, and people would tell me he didn’t know what he was saying, I bought into this for a time, until he walked to the pool , dove in and held himself under the water, another example is when driving high way speed one day, he undid his seat beat and tried to jump out.  Now other people may say it is all for attention, this to I disagree with, because honestly getting attention was never an issue for our kids.  Well maybe it’s the way we were parenting, etc.  That to was not the case, though we felt immense guilt and questioned constantly what we had done wrong. 

We as parents decided to be very pro active, not reactive, and I truly think this is the way to be when dealing with such issues at such a young age.  Dude has seen numerous specialists and doctors, has been in therapy for 2 years, had many tests done, etc.  We took the bull by the horns, and kept pushing, until we had some sort of answer.  After 2 very trying years, I feel like we are finally making headway, and learning as a family to triumph over these trials. 

Here is the other thing, I donot  speak of my child’s illnesses to get sympathy, pity, or anything else. I speak about it to bring awareness, because this could be your child, your sibling, parent or friend. And if we continue to ignore some very tell tale signs, we may end up losing some very dear people. I would like for people to realize that this is NOT their fault, they can not help this.  I would quite frankly rather help them now, than say good bye to soon.

Till my kids wake me again!



My Little Punky

September 23, 2009


I had always wanted 2 children, and I had always wanted a boy first, and a girl second.  I think this comes from my own childhood, I have one older brother, whom I idolized!  In my mind I had the perfect family, therefore I wanted the same. 

We were of course blessed with Dude first, and I was taken by surprise when instead of having a second boy we were blessed with Punky!  She came into the world being demanding, and has not looked back! She talked early, she walked at 7 months, potty trained at not even 2 in a matter of a day. She is my little Punky, and as she gets older watching her develop and hone her personality has become a true joy!

We have always tried very hard to let our children be themselves to have their own personalities, to embrace their similarities and their uniqueness.  Dude is Punky on the other hand is what I call right brained, she has to always be doing something, is not to fond of sitting in a desk all day, and has energy to spare!

Where Dude is crushed if he gets in trouble for something, it does not seem to phase Punky what so ever, if she thinks she should do it, she is going to do it whether or not she is going to be in trouble.  Emmy is our strong willed little girl, and though it will benefit her in the future, right now we have to try and find the balance between right and wrong, and some sort of boundaries!

I always thought my son would be there to protect his younger sister, but have been surprised that it will most likely be the other way.  Because Dude struggles in certain situations, Punky picks up for him, and has no hesitation to stick up for her much bigger brother! As she tells me even to the grade 5 boys!

Punky has a spark that not much can compare to.  She has sass that nothing can rival.  Yet she is one of the most caring and compassionate little people around.  I have watched my little girl go from being a little go getter, to just getting.  If Punky sets her mind to something she will do it.  THis summer she learned to ride her bike in an hour, tie her shoe laces in under that, and took a big trip across the country, all with no fear or hesitation. 
Punky was obviously blessed with humor, she shoots sarcasm out like no other, dose not hesitate to tease, joke or just be a goof ball.  She loves to talk, but more importantly loves to laugh. whether it be using breathe right stripes as band aids on a friend, or coming up with new faces to make, she is always good for a laugh!

There are days she just cracks me up at the way she speaks.  Latley it has been a lot of ” likely” and “such as”.  Last night when Russ told her it was bed time her response was ” I don’t think that’s likely to happen!”.

Because of Dude’s appointments, and doctors and such, we have to make an extra effort when it comes to giving Punky the attention she needs, because if she doesn’t get it one way, she will get it another, like one day when I was n the phone constantly booking things for her brother, she proceeded to sit in the candy room, open all of the pink popcorn and get all of the prizes! 🙂

We need to remember that Punky is Punky, and she is full of goodness, and spirit, and for the life of me I do not want that spirit of hers crushed.  She has a twinkle in those big brown eyes, a hop in her step, that attracts people instantly and cheers up even the grumpiest of people. 

She has attitude to the moon, a mouth that doesn’t stop, and a logical explanation for everything you can imagine. But trust me when I say I don’t ever want her to change, and I don’t ever want her to be quiet!!!


Till my kids wake me again!


Christmas in September?

September 21, 2009

Everyone knows what the anticipation of Christmas is, butterflies in your stomach, not much sleep, the wondering of what will be under the tree in the morning.  So much excitement, but also  alot of unexpected surprises!

This morning I got a phone call saying that Dude has been discharged, this feels like Christmas times ten!

Three weeks ago when this opportunity arose, I was dreading it, but at the same time excited for what the future would hold.  Everything happened so fast, as the next week we dropped Dude off at the hospital, I cried so hard I thought I was going to be physically sick.  My mind knew it was what we needed to do, but boy did my heart hurt! As a mother, no matter what the ailment of your child it is hard, and as hard as things had been, I was even shocked at my response to leaving him, alone in an unknown  hospital ward for an unknown amount of time. The first weeks drop off was not to hard, as he was somewhat excited to be there, meet new friends, and be at a special “camp”. Late in the week of that first week, we had numerous tear filled phone calls, from a heart broken, extremly home sick little boy.  It was so extremly hard to hold myself together on the phone while speaking to him, but I managed to do so, and shed thousands of tears after we hung up.
Dude came home the first weekend, and we were just expecting things to be the same as ever, he had been taken off of his medication at this point, so we knew he may be some what emotional, but we were completely caught un aware by his behaviour.  Friday night after alot of hugs and I missed you’s, he started to teeter.  I had never seen someones moods change so fast and drastically as I had that night.  He would go from sobbing, to happy to so angry that he was destroying things in a matter of minutes.  At one point Russ and I just stood in the kitchen on the brink of tears wondering what to do.  Saturday morning we decided that for this weekend, we would throw out the routines, and everything we had newly decided Dude needed and just survive! Survive we did, and even though we had a not so cheery weekend, dropping Dude off for his second week was just as bad.  This time he was full of anxiety, and so upset he could hardly walk.  I couldn’t even speak to the nurse, because I knew if I did I would be a blubbering fool! I had to leave because I couldn’t keep y emotions in Do you know what that does to a mother when she hears that? I wanted so badly to go and get him and bring him home, but knew deep down that would just cause more anguish to him. 

Now I must admit one of the hardest things about this whole process for me as a mother, but also because I like a plan, and to know all the answers, was giving up control. Handing over my little 8 year old boy, and having no say in what they were doing, not being there to tuck him in at night, not being there to wipe away his tears and give him the hugs he so despretly wanted.  I had to trust complete strangers with my boy, trust that they would help him when he needed help, stand firm with him when he needed firmness, and have compassion for a little by who had no idea what was going on. I can honestly say today that I am glad that I was strong and gave them that trust.  I am so thankful for them for helping to give him that sparkle back, that had long ago disappeared!  This weekend while he was home he told me that his brain is now full of happy thoughts, not bad ones! This blew me away, and brought tears back to my eyes, but not out of sadness this time, out of joy, joy that my son is feeling happy at last!

I have gone through the motions for two weeks now, get up, go to work, etc.  The one saving grace has been PUnky, who has brought alot of laughter through the tears.  Her smile can shut my “taps” off in an instant.  But two weeks has felt like two years.  And because of this today feels like the best CHristmas ever, and I am getting the best gift ever, the gift of my child’s happiness!

Now the real work will start as we venture into the next phase of this journey, but we will be together trough it all Russ, Myself, Dude and Punky, for they are truly the best kids ever!

Till y kids wake me again! K

P.S. Something I wrote after dropping Dude off

I will be there for you while you walk this path,

I will hold your hand while you battle inside of yourself,

I will sit beside you as you tremble with the fear of the unknown,

I will kiss your tears to ease your pain,

I will hold you close while you deal with what is invisible to the world, but oh so real to you,

I will battle for you while you quietly wait,

You are a silent soldier, but know you are not alone in your war!

Couldn’t do it without you!

September 21, 2009

The most ironic thing I find about going through bad times, is that something good is always laying just beneath the bad.  In my case latley, struggling through doctors appointments, tests, and now a hospital stay for Dude, I have had the true luck of being graced with so much goodness.

As hard as it is as a parent to watch your child go through medical issues, weather it mental, physical, or both, it must be alot harder for that child.  I think sometimes we forget this.  The first “goodness” point I am going to mention is that of all of the doctors, nurses, technicians, etc that Dude has met over the last two years.  We have truly been blessed with Doctors that care so much about his well being, graced with the presence of an amazing and inspiratinal occupatinal therapist and pyhsical therapist. All of the technicians that we have met have had a gracious humor about them.  One of the ost important people to help us on this journey has been Dude’s theparist, I will call him Big D.  He has stood by our family for two years now, and guided us on this journey!  He has taught us so much, about our child, but also about ourselves.

We as a family are so extremly lucky to live in the community we do.  People have rallied around us, given out hugs, offered prayers, thoughts, but most important have showen compassion.  In this community we have found true and beutiful friends, friends that I am not sure I could do any of this (well ok, anything) without.  They have talked me through my tears and my anger. Given me a hug when they can tell I need one, even if I don’t ask.  To them I need to offer a BIG thanks, thanks for standing by your friend as she looses control, thanks for just sitting there listening to me babble, even if I have said it 5 times already, thanks for your smiles:)

I also need to mention two “far away” friends who have phoned numerous times, offered anything and everything.  Dana and Kate have been through absolutley everything with me, from first dates, to my marriage, to my children, and they continue to prove to me over and over, what a true friend really is. Though neither have children theselves, the love they illuminate towards mine is outstanding!

Last but definatley not least I need to thank our families.  Our parents, for their kind words, and words of support, even at the roughest of moments. Our siblings for being learning to learn and accept what is.  Our numerous other family members that have offered help, conversation, and love. Scott I thank you for marrying Kari, because without her, I would be lost I am sure!

I need to mention one more person, whom without I would not be complete. Russ you have stood by me and your family through thick and thin, I a not sure that any man has ever taken his vows so seriously! You are an amazing husband, an amazing father, and an amazing partner to be learning, and travelling this journey with!

I look back on the last two years, and am truly amazed at what I have been blessed with, I have chosen to write about my journeys, and I thought it only fitting that on my first entry I said THANK YOU! to all of you. Love you all so very much!

Till the kids wake me up! K

Hello world!

September 21, 2009

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