Christmas in September?

Everyone knows what the anticipation of Christmas is, butterflies in your stomach, not much sleep, the wondering of what will be under the tree in the morning.  So much excitement, but also  alot of unexpected surprises!

This morning I got a phone call saying that Dude has been discharged, this feels like Christmas times ten!

Three weeks ago when this opportunity arose, I was dreading it, but at the same time excited for what the future would hold.  Everything happened so fast, as the next week we dropped Dude off at the hospital, I cried so hard I thought I was going to be physically sick.  My mind knew it was what we needed to do, but boy did my heart hurt! As a mother, no matter what the ailment of your child it is hard, and as hard as things had been, I was even shocked at my response to leaving him, alone in an unknown  hospital ward for an unknown amount of time. The first weeks drop off was not to hard, as he was somewhat excited to be there, meet new friends, and be at a special “camp”. Late in the week of that first week, we had numerous tear filled phone calls, from a heart broken, extremly home sick little boy.  It was so extremly hard to hold myself together on the phone while speaking to him, but I managed to do so, and shed thousands of tears after we hung up.
Dude came home the first weekend, and we were just expecting things to be the same as ever, he had been taken off of his medication at this point, so we knew he may be some what emotional, but we were completely caught un aware by his behaviour.  Friday night after alot of hugs and I missed you’s, he started to teeter.  I had never seen someones moods change so fast and drastically as I had that night.  He would go from sobbing, to happy to so angry that he was destroying things in a matter of minutes.  At one point Russ and I just stood in the kitchen on the brink of tears wondering what to do.  Saturday morning we decided that for this weekend, we would throw out the routines, and everything we had newly decided Dude needed and just survive! Survive we did, and even though we had a not so cheery weekend, dropping Dude off for his second week was just as bad.  This time he was full of anxiety, and so upset he could hardly walk.  I couldn’t even speak to the nurse, because I knew if I did I would be a blubbering fool! I had to leave because I couldn’t keep y emotions in Do you know what that does to a mother when she hears that? I wanted so badly to go and get him and bring him home, but knew deep down that would just cause more anguish to him. 

Now I must admit one of the hardest things about this whole process for me as a mother, but also because I like a plan, and to know all the answers, was giving up control. Handing over my little 8 year old boy, and having no say in what they were doing, not being there to tuck him in at night, not being there to wipe away his tears and give him the hugs he so despretly wanted.  I had to trust complete strangers with my boy, trust that they would help him when he needed help, stand firm with him when he needed firmness, and have compassion for a little by who had no idea what was going on. I can honestly say today that I am glad that I was strong and gave them that trust.  I am so thankful for them for helping to give him that sparkle back, that had long ago disappeared!  This weekend while he was home he told me that his brain is now full of happy thoughts, not bad ones! This blew me away, and brought tears back to my eyes, but not out of sadness this time, out of joy, joy that my son is feeling happy at last!

I have gone through the motions for two weeks now, get up, go to work, etc.  The one saving grace has been PUnky, who has brought alot of laughter through the tears.  Her smile can shut my “taps” off in an instant.  But two weeks has felt like two years.  And because of this today feels like the best CHristmas ever, and I am getting the best gift ever, the gift of my child’s happiness!

Now the real work will start as we venture into the next phase of this journey, but we will be together trough it all Russ, Myself, Dude and Punky, for they are truly the best kids ever!

Till y kids wake me again! K

P.S. Something I wrote after dropping Dude off

I will be there for you while you walk this path,

I will hold your hand while you battle inside of yourself,

I will sit beside you as you tremble with the fear of the unknown,

I will kiss your tears to ease your pain,

I will hold you close while you deal with what is invisible to the world, but oh so real to you,

I will battle for you while you quietly wait,

You are a silent soldier, but know you are not alone in your war!

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