The big bad B


I ended my last post with 2 things, a)my son is very I’ll and b) there’s nothing I can do about it but learn.
As we muddle through a new diagnosis, a final puzzle piece if you will, I’m left with my brain going a thousand miles a minute trying to process it all.
You see though I know my son has a severe illness, when you live it day to day it becomes the norm, your life, and you truly don’t think of it that way. Accepting the fact that your child is ill and that all the typical parenting/discipline you’ve been taught really has no place where he’s concerned, and that thinking differently and outside the box is the way it is no matter how hard you try, brings a certain peace and patience.
With a new diagnosis comes new information, information that is crucial to living and loving our son.
When talking with my sister in law I asked if it was crazy that I wasn’t devastated by the good possibility of a bipolar diagnosis for Dude. Her response took away my guilt of not being completely distraught. “You’ve dealt with so much why would it?, you’ve been through hell, finally knowing would make you happy”, or something to that effect.
Poof guilt gone. In reality, I compare it to waiting for years for something, and when that something finally comes, it’s almost surreal, you’re not sure if you should pinch yourself, if it’s actually happening.
It is real. It is our journey, and though I wish it on no child the diagnosis of bipolar – mixed state (meaning poles (moods) occur simultaneously or rapidly) is our reality.
There is no shame, but I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t hurt for my son.  As a parent it’s exhausting, but we do what needs to be done. A few things stood out to me in his report, a major one was “asking a bipolar child to change/stop their mood is like asking an epileptic to stop having a seizure”. Again me having to accept that I have no control, its a biggie!
We know and having skills in place to handle the anxiety and panic disorders, now this is the next phase of learning, coping and growing.
A wise woman said to me, tommorow is the same as today. Meaning a diagnosis no matter if its accurate doesn’t change him. He is still the same, and though no 2 hours are a like with him let alone 2 days he still is who he is and we love him! It’s nice to know though why he is the way he is. And it brings me peace going into the unknown territory that is bipolar.

Have I told you lately that I love you, just the way you are?


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