Been doing some soul searching. And have realized my soul is good.
One of the things I carried, and beat myself up over for quite some time is parenting. Especially Dude.
I have never voiced this to anyone other than my husband, because I felt an incredible shame.
No I did not abuse my children.  But words hurt. Telling a child to get over it, pushing to hard, stop crying, what is wrong with you? Just stop, you can control this just try harder. Ya those things just don’t in our situation! I know this now, but man could I kick myself!

Before learning what I’ve learned there were so many days I would tear up because my frustration got the best of me. Trust me it still will sometimes, but with new knowledge comes an amazing shift. 
How I parented “pre diagnosis ” was very typical. I loved my children whole hearted, I disciplined using traditional methods: time outs, charts, rewards, taking things away, yelling, lectures and so on. Nothing out of the norm, nothing horrible, and my children were/are well taken care of. I know in my mind I was doing OK.
But my heart was hurting because those traditional methods are so not how I need to parent my bipolar child.  And so hard on Dude. In fact a lot of how I dealt with situations is completely ass backwards of how I do now.

I’ve shifted my thinking, knowledge of the reasons for behaviors has brought me to a place of relief and calm. I know there’s no quick answer to ease the cycles and states. But I do know now I won’t stop trying to figure out what works and doesn’t.
I do know now that Yes I’m gonna mess up, and read a situation wrong (who doesn’t?! ), but I know now that when I do that, I’ll take that lesson and move forward in knowing I handled it the best way I thought at that moment.
I’m working very hard on not off the cuff reacting,  instead taking a breath, making a rapid assessment, and make a plan (Yes all in seconds, 50 times a day), so when it’s so frequent, it’s obvious I’m gonna screw up. I’m human!
I’ve forgiven myself.
For I truly do the best I can, with what I have.


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