Why me? !


So I spend a lot of time sharing about our lives in the upside down world that is parenting, especially a child with high needs. But why?
Everyone knows I share to break down some barriers, and to let others know they’re not alone.
But those who know me also know I don’t shut up and I don’t back down when faced with injustice or adversity!
I figure there’s a reason we’ve all been dealt the cards we have, it’s how you play the deck that matters.
I haven’t always been so gracious (hell I’m still not at times) or proactive.  I tended to be more reactive, and not always graciously!
There was a time I was a little shit. OK maybe a big one.
I struggled in school academically because I had un diagnosed add until I was 17.  God was I social, a smart ass, ya I talked a lot, I was mouthy, and could be down right mean.
That being said I was typically only mean to those treating others wrong in my opinion.  If you ask my friends I took on anyone that was anything but kind to them, I didn’t care if you were the top dog, or a teacher. 
I always stood for what I believed in!  I always will.
I’m a clutz, I’m high strung, I’m emotional, and my heart is always on my sleeve.  I’m highly sensitive, I’m extremely impatient, and more often than not my mouth opens before I think!
Looking at the past brings me to the present.  I’m still all of the above.  I doubt that will change. Quite frankly I don’t want them to, they make me me.
But if you asked me 20 years ago if I would be a business woman, running a pretty incredible, steady business, being able to create with flowers every single day. A fierce mother who has  traveled the roads we have, been faced with the fear and obstacles of raising a child with a severe illness, in a not always kind world.  And a daughter who is possibly her mothers mini. Always trying hard to teach my children they are good enough, strong enough, smart enough just as they are. To be kind to everyone, to believe in themselves, to push themselves just enough, and to love themselves.
A wife of 14 years, who works hard everyday to be the wife my husband deserves. A volunteer on boards.  The founder of anti bullying organization.  And all with this lovely add that makes it a bitch for me to remember more than one thing, or retain anything we discussed yesterday. 
I would have told you were crazy!
I never thought I was good enough, smart enough or fierce enough. 
I  expected nothing less than the white picket fence, 2 happy, healthy children, a part time job, a home grown garden, and home cooked meals on the table.
Well apparently my deck of cards said screw that! And handed me this.
But this is perfect.  This isn’t the ideal, or the always easy,joy filled life I thought it would be. Damn Disney anyway!
Instead of the visions I had, I am a mother trying to remember things, trying to find the energy to do my job everyday, and attend meetings after complete disaster has struck on a regular basis as the bipolar moods see fit.
I am my childrens biggest fan, their biggest advocate.
So I look back and can’t help think these cards were handed to me with trust.  Trust that I can handle it. Trust that I will share. Trust that I can make a difference.  Trust that my voice will be heard, even of only by one person.  Trust that I can be just who I am, and do what I do. Trust that I am gracious enough yet strong enough to fight the good fights and support, guide and help those that can’t always help themselves! 
In my life I try to be kind. I put away the boxing gloves years ago, but there’s times it’s tempting to break them out again!  I try to be grateful, even when the days thrown a curve ball. I try to be sympathetic and empathetic.  I try.
Life’s not full of sunshine and rainbows, and there’s so many days I’m faced with thing’s I wouldn’t wish on anyone, except for a short time to open some eyes!
This is the life I’ve been given, and I plan to make the best of it.
One smart ass comment at a time.


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