Dear self,

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Dear 20’s self,

I see the love as you hold his hand at the alter.
I hear the words spoken. Remember them. As you journey this journey together.
Cherish and love, even in the scary, hard moments, grab that hand and hold on tight.
Because you’re going to have times you’re lost.
But know this, you’ve chosen well. He’s not going anywhere!

That baby boy your holding?
Life’s not going to be easy. You’ll have hospital stays. Close calls. And scary moments, and in the first 2 years of his life you’ll almost loose him as many times.
But you won’t. And you’ll appreciate life more for it.

I see you lost, distraught and devestated a few years later as you leave from the first round of tests with information.
I hear you question, I see you transform your mind as you let the typical life go, and accept that that precious boy won’t be one of the team, won’t fit the box society desperately tries to put boys into.
I watch you on your daily trips, to doctors, to therapist’s, for tests.
Youre doing ok ! You’re holding up. You’re learning, and guiding. Give yourself some credit.
And remember that hand you held at the alter? Grab it tight, because you need it!

I see you filled with pride,as you hold that baby girl. The girl that shouldn’t be here. But she is. And because of that you believe in miracles.
I watch you while you learn how to juggle two. I watch as that determined little girl grows
I see you teaching her acceptance and kindness. Though there wasn’t much teaching to be done. That little girl has carried that personality since before you met.
I love watching the soulful, spirited girl she is! Be proud, she is unique, creative, compassionate and down right funny. Don’t expect much down time, she’s going to wear you out!
Be proud that you’ve raised a daughter in this crazy world to be just who she is, nobody else.

Remember there’s moments that you don’t know how you’re going to do it. Remember you will. And remember it’s just a moment in time.
Those moments that you question things that will never be answered, accept that. Those moments that hurt your heart so bad it physically hurts. Cry.

When that baby boy is no longer a baby and is faced with more than even you could bare. Carry the load and hold him. You’re strong enough for both of you. Know that you don’t know what the future holds, but know that you’re doing all you can, and for that he is grateful. Know that though there are scary, unknown, heart breaking moments, that those moments will make the good one’s that much better!

When that baby girl is growing into a young woman. Know it’s not you she hates. Hug her and let her lose it,because being a girl is hard. She’ll need you more than ever. Remember to tell her she’s smart, funny, and talented. Yes she’s a beautiful girl, but she needs to know she’s more than just a pretty face.
And that man you looked at all those years ago, hug him. Be thankful that he’s been your rock so far on this journey. And thank him. Thank him for being an understanding, supportive father. Thank him for loving you at your worst as well as your best.

And take a moment every now and then to just breathe!

Most of all remember you are strong, you are courageous, you are you!

Sincerly,
34 year old self.

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