Feeling useless, knowing better.


And boy do I feel useless.
Even though it’s good change, how can holidays not be?!  It’s still change.  Add exams, change of aids yada yada yada. And you have a kid whose overloaded, overwhelmed, and done.

I know when rage,and despair hit, it’s not me, but man it still sucks!
Over and over I hear “you don’t understand! “, “I hate this  pain”. How can that not hurt your heart?
I get it, I do understand that he hurts,he can’t handle it, and cant just snap out of ot.
But No I don’t fully understand, who does?!
And that is heart breaking!
When your child is in the throws, and wants to just be done, I mean done,  not school, but life.  When they voice that they just want to not hurt, while cocooning so you can’t reach them, and they figure life would be better if: hand into gun, pull trigger.
How do you not feel useless?!

Then we better have a refresher talk with the sibling because it’s hard on them.  They’re confused.  And question and hurt.
One thing that dudes sister has been struggling with is why we don’t do things as a family like other families she knows.
We do our damndest to balance dudes life with his sister’s.
It’s not fair to her that she misses out on thing’s, and it’s not fair to force dude to do things that are hard for him. 
  That usually means she’s off with one parent, while the other stays home.  And typically Dad chauffeur her, mom stays home.  We do things as a family, but between work scedules and life not as frequent or as big as she would like.
So I feel useless as my daughter’s mother.  Because she’s trying to figure it all out from the side lines. We have time together, and talk a lot, but the guilt is still there.

You see bipolar is a family disease.  And each family member is affected. 
Life’s been good, as good as possible.  But with change and stress, the cycles and moods become deeper and more frequent.
And it sucks, and it’s hard, and I hate seeing my child in that sort of pain. And one feeling a bit lost.

But I know my support, my love and my guidance when this cloud passes will be their reason to smile.  As they are mine.
So though I feel useless, I know I’m not.


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