Archive for July, 2014

Just a thought

July 31, 2014


Here’s the thing.  I’ve had my fair share of judging towards me. More than I know I’m sure. How dare I do this, that or the other thing.

Truth be known I’m not sure I care anymore. Those doing the judging don’t know. Those that know, don’t judge.

Parenting is hard. Damn hard. Being a wife, mother and woman period is hard.
So why must we think we know better? Are we as women just wired this way? I’m not sure, but I like to think we’re more wired to be kind, caring and compassionate.

Why must we throw our two cents in, when we’re not asked?
Every mother I know personally does the best she can. And does what she feels necessary for her child. And shocking as I know it is, we may not know just what that is.

I stopped caring about fellow mother’s a long time ago. OK maybe not about them, but about how they parented and the choices they make (obviously not talking abuse/neglect here). Not to say I don’t ask for or give advice on it in discussion, but as a whole it’s really none of my business!
Here’s a thought: all children are different. All people are different. We’re all, you got it different.
So let it go!
Of course as mother’s and women we don’t agree with all the choices our fellow soldier mother’s make. But if that choice doesn’t effect you or yours, does it really warrant your input? If you’ve yet to face the battle your fellow mom is/has, do you truly (be honest you might surprise yourself ) know what you would do?
Every single (thank God) individual is unique,  therefore every choice, outcome, etc will be unique as well. 
So here’s my other thought.
If you feel that you know better than that mom, or the lady down the street,  maybe take five to actually ask. You may be surprised.
I know when people have actually asked why I made some of the choices I did,  they walked away with the truth, and a better understanding.  Even if they didn’t agree with said choices, they at least cared enough to simply ask and respect my choices instead of jumping the judging, gossiping band wagon.
Im getting quite tired of mother’s vs mother’s, woman vs woman.
There’s no point. Why must we make being a mother and woman harder than it already is?

Take a breath.  Realize that you don’t have to agree with each other, but that each and every one has their reasons, they have their truth, and above all they are women just like you.
Trying to do the best they can. Trying to be the loving mother their children need.
Trying to keep head above water.
Trying desperately to figure this womanhood, motherhood, wifehood, lifehood out!
Trying to survive the shitty days,and embrace the great ones.
And yes they’re trying to do it all without being judged and questioned.
Just my thought….

If you can’t laugh at yourself

July 26, 2014


We all have those days. You know the good for nothing, could anything else go wrong very bad days!
You know the one’s where your espresso machine decides to make coffee all night flooding your business kitchen, so while you should be creating beautiful arrangements of flower’s for a funeral, your wearing Barbie rubber boots, pitching anything you pick up, the cloud above your head full of not so nice words, your pants rolled up, your white shirt full of espresso grounds, and please dont let any customers come in!
Then you get a text,  the fishing boat sunk in the lovely storm, a trees on the cabin and Oh a tree’s down on the drive way we’ll have to hike in the down pour into the house.  The day’s your bi polar child is as unsettled as the weather, when you seem to break every vase you try to use.  For f$#! Sake the dogs crapped on the floor.  Oh yes and the pieces your creating  just don’t want to come together . 
So that cloud is fuller of those not so nice words. When finally the days finished you trek through the storm and actually enjoy puddle jumping in your Barbie boots with said out of sorts child.  And you laugh!
Until you see a few more trees and enter the warmth of the house to yup the other dog crapped on the floor!
Just one of them days you tell yourself. And you remember a few things:
1. Breathe, just keep breathing! But not through your nose at this point!
2. Random ridiculousness.  I don’t care if it’s not even a word.  The amount of randomness makes it valid.  And…
3. All you can do is laugh! Even when my cloud was full of f bombs and I’m sure smoking red, I laughed. Because it was just plain and simple one of them days. No one was hurt, $5000 coffee machine is still working, I laughed with my kid, and hell the flower’s even seemed to come together! They say talk to your flower’s, and I’ll have you know it works,even if your cussing at them!
If you can’t laugh at yourself…


Scared, proud, sad, happy

July 20, 2014


How can 13 years go so fast, yet so slow?
There were days I thought that would last forever.
Doctors visits, therapy sessions and hospital stays that seemed endless.  In fact I was sure at those moments they were the end of the world.
Dude turns 13 today.  And yes I shed a tear (or more ).
I look back on the moment I first became a mother.
I remember the joy, the fear most of all the love.
My first little (literally ) miracle baby. With a head full of jet black hair and old eyes.
I remember almost instantly becoming a protective mama bear.
I was young (21), and I was scared.
Could I do this? Would I be good at being a mommy?  What if I had more clue? I didn’t!
As the years passed and we learned our boy was not going to be the typical child, I realized I really truly didn’t care. If we had him, that was enough.
I learned that each day truly is a blessing, because you really never know what tomorrow will bring.
You see there are moments that I wish he could be as free as other children.  Moment’s my heart physically hurts for him. Moment’s that having the weight of bipolar and other illnesses is almost to much to bare for him.
But there’s moment’s of accomplishment, moment’s of strength and Oh so many moment’s of courage.
And there’s love.  Endless love and caring and kindness.
We don’t know what to expect as the teen years come.  OK we know kind of what the general teen years bring. 
But see I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t that scared mom all over again.  We know these years will
be our toughest.  We know That life will throw us some huge curves in these years to come.
And I’m scared.  I’m scared I won’t have the words, and the comfort he’ll need.  I’m scared even if I do they won’t be enough.
Yes I understand I need to embrace this stage.  Yes I am loving and looking forward to the young man he is and will become.
But there’s a piece of me that’s petrified because you see a teen /young adult with bipolar is a very scary, very real thing. It’s not the normal ups and Downs.  Not the normal attitude.  No it’s very realistically life or death.
So yes say what you will, I’m scared.
I’ve shared that I’ve been having a hard time with the looming 13th birthday, but o haven’t shared why, because it’s not a great or easy thing to share.  And it’s a lonely place to be with a fear you’re not sure people will understand.
But you don’t need to understand. 
Actually I’m glad most people don’t, because that would mean you are going through it.
But I’m proud. So extremely proud of my son. I love his compassion, his acceptance, his understanding, his loyalty, his old soul.
I love that if he let’s you see that twinkle in his eye you know your special!
I love his perseverance, his strength and his bravery.
I love his heart, his wisdom and his elusive laughter.
I am so incredibly proud he chose me for his mom.
I am so incredibly proud to call him my son.
May the stars shine bright just for you buddy, may your worries be small and your days bright.
May you receive all the happiness you deserve.

To close to see.

July 18, 2014


Said it before, I’ll say it again.  Sometimes this mom is a slow learner!
This last couple weeks have progressively gotten worse for dude. Typical day has been:
Wake up extremely hyper.  To the point of no calm amongst the crazy.
Head slowly into beyond irritable.
Pull out of cranky just in time to hit major depression mode.
Bed time.
First we try for a few days to monitor what foods are eaten. 
Then we try to see what trigger there’s been.
Ya nothing!
But I still try to come up with something, because I’m stubborn like that!
It never fails that someone else has to say to me “do you think it could be meds? Time to have a check in? ”
Well duh!  The kids growing like a weed, hormones are bounding, and yet it takes absolute crisis to hit for me to remember what we’re dealing with!
In my last post I shared about bipolar not being seasonal.  Yet I still forget.
Change and new things can trigger cycles. So I wasn’t surprised that was the first question asked .
I learned long long ago that routine is critical to my child’s well being.
So we don’t stray to far from it. Even if it’s holidays.  Even if that makes us boring.  It is what it is.
Plus I run my own florist/coffee shop, so holidays are unheard of.
So my answer to change in routine is always a big fat nope.
We discussed some new irrational fears that have popped up, ones that if you live in Alberta make life miserable in the summer!
Mainly bugs.  None of us are huge fans. But dude’s had increased to the point of panic attacks, keeping him from his favorite summer activities.  We have since almost conquered them, thank God!
It was very obvious through the appointment to all there, that the lovely rapid cycles had returned.
Dude did pretty damn good explaining them.  That and he rocked the entire appointment,  which is a sign.
The thing is dude knows when he needs a big appointment, he’ll ask for it even.
But he hates them! He’s petrified every appointment will lead back to the hospital.
A very real fear,  and one I can’t promise won’t happen.
So we truck along, and cross our fingers that that day won’t come again for quite some time.
And maybe one day I won’t need someone on the outside to remind me of thing’s.  Then again I need to give myself a break and remember sometimes the people closet don’t notice the changes as fast, and sometimes we want it to be anything but the dreaded illness.

Bipolar isn’t seasonal.

July 11, 2014


It’s summer, so all’s calm, relaxing and fun right?
The stress and pressure of school is gone, so should all worries and cares! 
Ya not so much.
I admit I kind of forgot for a week about dude’s illnesses.
Then BAM. We’re angry, depressed, Absolutely all over the map.
I’m racking my brain for foods he’s eaten, possible triggers etc.
Then I clue in.
Oh ya he has bipolar.
Apparently I’d forgotten that just because school has ended for the year, doesn’t mean his cycles have!
Bad Mom moment!
We tend to forget, OK not really, but kind of, the cycles, the heartache,the pain even exists when all is well.  Then out of nowhere we’re nailed,  and it takes us a moment to catch back up!
School definitely adds to the stressors in these kids lives. Summer is typically a bit more calm.
But I’ve learned that even the littlest of trips, family functions etc can overwhelm them at the drop of a hat.
Planning, preparing, and yes sometimes not attending are crucial in our world.
And often we can plan, prepare and cross our finger’s, and shit still hits the fan. Other time’s we’re surprised at how easily that something just went!
We can’t just expect all to all of a sudden be normal and perfect because the sun is shining. 
I wish it were, but it’s not.
There’s still moments, and days that that dark cloud looms. That crisis is hit.
Summer should mean later bed time’s, sleeping in, lots of playing, and fresh air!
In our reality, bed time may be pushed slightly, but not much because sleep structure and routine keep our kid functioning.
Sleeping in, again I wish, but 7am is as far as we get!
Fresh air?  Some days, some days not.
The truth is I love summer!
And I wish dude’s needs were seasonal!
I want to head to the lake, sit by the fire, enjoy the sun and people visiting!
More than that I want Dude to do the same.  I want him to enjoy new and old friendships.  I want him to go free without stress and anxiety.
But that’s not going to happen as easily as I wish.
So we make the best of it! We e’er enjoy the sun quietly.  We enjoy our own fresh air.
And when that dark cloud creeps in, we hold on as tight as always and hope at least the sun is shining outside.
Because dammit bipolar isn’t seasonal!

Drop that card!

July 5, 2014


I screw up, I apologize! Hell I’m Canadian, I apologize for walking into a door!
My kids screw up, they catch the wrath of mom and Dad. 
And they apologize for walking into a door.
Dude has a mixed bag of mental health diagnosis under his 12 year old belt. New to this blog?  The main one is rapid cycling mixed state bipolar.  So are his errs handled differently? You bet they are. Are they handled? Most definitely! Even though many don’t see them being handled because the cycle has to pass in order for him to rationally discuss. We try to teach our children that actions have consequences, that other people (and their feelings ) are just as valid and important as theirs.

A huge misconception in society, Thanks you media, Thank you easy out defence lawyers, is those with mental health issues don’t know right from wrong, are a harm to other’s.  BULL! OK not complete bull, because there are illnesses or cycles within illnesses that people don’t think rationally.  Are these the norm? Not likely. 
More likely they are only a harm to themselves.  I know many, and truthfully I’m more prone to hurt someone than they are, because they tend to care so deeply about others because they know what pain is.
And more likely, even when something is done in an irrational state, they acknowledge the mis step and make amends after.
*I am obviously not speaking of major criminal activity here*
The truth of the matter is, some simply need help, and mis steps are a cry for help.
Does that mean bypass all judicial laws and live without consequence? Not in my opinion.
When Dude for example has hurt (never physical ) someone while in a rage or depressed state, when that state has passed we calmly discuss it and make a plan to make amends.  He apologizes (usually more than necessary, even to the door  ) .
So should an adult. 
Is mental illness an excuse?
That’s not a simple yes or No question.
Yes it can cause non  typical behavior and actions.
But yes they should still be held accountable.
Even if that means mandatory treatment.
Of course how they are held accountable should and will differ from the “normal “. As it should.  These people suffer greatly, and in many cases harm is not intentional,  if it is that’s a whole different ball game!!
But should they be held accountable? Absolutely!
I as a parent of a child who suffers and who has suffered myself in the past, am so incredibly sick of two things.
1. The stigma that mental illness sufferers are harmful and scary. High time people understood just how many different illnesses there are. And how each person with each illness is completely unique.  No two brains are the same. Period.  And to lump them all into one narrow box is beyond ignorant.
2. Throwing out mental illness as an excuse to get away with thing’s.  It’s far to easy to drop the mental health card to be held less accountable for actions.  To often this card is played in our courts,  to often are people not held accountable for their actions by playing this card.
No wonder we have number one!
Again I apologize if I’ve offended, and yes to the door I just walked into!