I am strong but weak.


I’m independent, I’m stubborn, I like to think I’m strong. But I’m also weak.
Whether or not being strong is an illusion I’ve created about myself, or truth, I like to think I hold my own in many areas.
I try to support those around me, I try to be there as much as I can in bad times and good. I try to use our journey to help others feeling lost.

I teach my daughter compassion and strength as a young lady, to be secure in herself and know she’s good enough.
I teach my son he is loved and worthy, even when I have to repeat it while holding him close while trying to ease his pain and his fears,when he feels like we’d be better off without him.
I teach my children they are strong enough to conquer whatever it is they set out to do.

I give a lot, or try to.  I am a mother  wife, daughter, friend, businesswomen, florist, batrista. I take each role seriously. I only got one shot.
I am not good at recieving compliments, I am not good at recieving hugs, I am good at asking for help, but try my best not to. Because I can do it all right? Wrong.

I am good at being just fine, I don’t want to bore others with our constant struggles of trying to manage a bipolar child, I know you’re all sick of it.
I am good at being honest about it, advocating for it, and making the best of it.
But  there’s moments and days you don’t see the tears I cry after watching my child try to strangle himself, you don’t see the daily battle to just simply get him out of bed. You don’t see the constant monitoring until things are balanced again.
You do see the smile on my face, you hear me ask how you are, and listen and watch while we chat about your day.

I am not saying I am not interested or care, because I truly do.  But there are days it’s all I can do to put that smile on my face, there’s days I need to be alone in my thoughts. There are days I really don’t have the energy to chat about the weather, because frankly the weather seems irrelevant when I have a crisis going on at home,I’m just trying to keep my mind off it.

I take pride in and love being there for friends, customers and family.  There’s nothing else I’d rather do.  But every now and then it would be nice if someone asked if I was OK. 

A few this week when things were really not good I was reminded of just how much people need each other, even unspoken. I had a friend ask and listen to how I was, while I got a load off my chest she simply listened. I am lucky to have a select few who do do this. I also received a hug from my mom (a non hugger like me) as she told me how proud she was.  I got frequent hugs, simple words and reassuring calls and texts from my husband during an especially hard day with our boy.

I was reminded that we all need that.
Yes even me. 
And though I am often surprised by who takes the time to ask and who doesn’t the truth is that those who do are those I choose. 

Not many people do I let see my heart, because I gaurd it pretty securely. Many would assume that they know it because I am so open, but they only know what I choose to expose.

My hearts pretty special to me, and it would appear has a lot to give. But it also has had its share of hurt and betrayal.

Yes I am strong, but no one is strong enough to live life alone. Weakness at moments does not mean that you are not strong, it means you are human, it means that you care and that you feel.
And that is the epitome of strength to me.
Some days it just takes someone to ask.



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