Archive for March, 2016

My bipolar boy.

March 30, 2016


How fitting that today my husband and I will sit down with our sons doctor in hopes of some sort of game plan for the inevitable med change.
How fitting that yesterday I said to his pharmacist “I prefer to be proactive and I have to know how it will happen.”  when in the bipolar reality, we never know when, why and how things will happen.
And as mother, a mother who herself has to know plans and heaven forbid they change, the not knowing hangs like a dark cloud every moment of every day.

But today I am grateful as well.

I am grateful for my sons treatment from a young age. I am grateful for his learning and educating himself on an illness that never goes away, never will. I am grateful for his strength, for his compassion and his undeniable courage.
Most of all I’m grateful we’ve made it to 14.
We didn’t know we would.
We almost didn’t.
We don’t know how many birthdays we’ll mark on his calendar. We don’t know how many days we’ll have. We don’t even know how many moments of good we’ll have.
We don’t know.

For parents we sure don’t know much.

But what we do know is: we love him beyond measure. We will continue to fight tooth and nail to get another birthday. Another day. Another moment.
And every moment will be cherished.

Because we also know that our son has bipolar (and a gambit of others),  but he is so so much more.

He fills our lives with joy,love, laughter, frustration, heart ache and pain and we are proud.
He has taught us not only as parents, but as human beings. To see things a little bit different. To see things a little bit clearer. That the world is full of different. That the little things are actually big and that no matter how much darkness there is, there’s always a sliver of light.

We are proud.

And as we stumble through this whole parenting thing, we stumble a bit more parenting a bipolar child. But we will never fall. For we need to be standing strong when he does. We may stumble, but no we will not fall, we will catch our hero instead.

Because his life matters. Your life matters.
Because we will be his strength when his is lost. And we will always, always have hope.


World bipolar day.

March 27, 2016

Leading up to world bipolar day I will share some of my older posts, because well this is a journey.


Screw you mental illness, just screw you.

March 8, 2016


Over thinking has always been a down fall of mine, probably always will be. Plus I always want to know the whys the how’s and all of the answers, and I must have an exact time line of when things are going to happen, and don’t try to change that or throw in a curve.

Enter the unknown of a child with mental illness.

Not a good combination.

Apparently mental illness, especially bipolar don’t care about what I want.
Apparently it doesn’t work on my time line.
While Dude is fairly stable, I’ve had to accept the fact that some days just plain suck. The saving grace at this moment is he’s pulling himself out of the dark fairly quickly. But those days still raise the bipolar radar.

Yet here I sit wanting answers, and plans, and concrete.

Can his inevitable med change happen at home? Or do we need to be prepared for a lengthy hospital stay?
When exactly, what day, will we need to do this med change?
How do I know if it’s specific life events or med related? And when exactly do we need to make a call?
What happens if he crashes hard? We know his flight or fight instincts kick in when it comes to hospitalization, so what exactly do we do, because he can’t be put in the car anymore by mom and dad ?
Will he survive a huge overhaul of meds?
What would he be like med free?
How can I prepare, all of us?
Why the hell do I even have to have these questions? Shouldn’t my teenager just be having fun.
What exactly can I do to make it all better?
I just want to make it all better.

It’s taken me years to accept that I will never know all the answers, but I still try. It drives everyone around me nuts, including the bipolar kiddo! I like to be in control, I don’t like not knowing and even less not being able to fix.
I won’t lie it sucks not having the answers to my never ending list of questions. Questions that play over and over again, because mental illness is relentless, it may give you a little bit of a break from time to time, but it’s always there and always leaves you with questions. Right now I’m having a hard time not knowing all of the answers.
Stupid questions. Horse before the cart questions. Questions I’ll never have the answers to.

Screw you mental illness for not letting me, for him, have the answers. Today just a big screw you!