Screw you mental illness, just screw you.


Over thinking has always been a down fall of mine, probably always will be. Plus I always want to know the whys the how’s and all of the answers, and I must have an exact time line of when things are going to happen, and don’t try to change that or throw in a curve.

Enter the unknown of a child with mental illness.

Not a good combination.

Apparently mental illness, especially bipolar don’t care about what I want.
Apparently it doesn’t work on my time line.
While Dude is fairly stable, I’ve had to accept the fact that some days just plain suck. The saving grace at this moment is he’s pulling himself out of the dark fairly quickly. But those days still raise the bipolar radar.

Yet here I sit wanting answers, and plans, and concrete.

Can his inevitable med change happen at home? Or do we need to be prepared for a lengthy hospital stay?
When exactly, what day, will we need to do this med change?
How do I know if it’s specific life events or med related? And when exactly do we need to make a call?
What happens if he crashes hard? We know his flight or fight instincts kick in when it comes to hospitalization, so what exactly do we do, because he can’t be put in the car anymore by mom and dad ?
Will he survive a huge overhaul of meds?
What would he be like med free?
How can I prepare, all of us?
Why the hell do I even have to have these questions? Shouldn’t my teenager just be having fun.
What exactly can I do to make it all better?
I just want to make it all better.

It’s taken me years to accept that I will never know all the answers, but I still try. It drives everyone around me nuts, including the bipolar kiddo! I like to be in control, I don’t like not knowing and even less not being able to fix.
I won’t lie it sucks not having the answers to my never ending list of questions. Questions that play over and over again, because mental illness is relentless, it may give you a little bit of a break from time to time, but it’s always there and always leaves you with questions. Right now I’m having a hard time not knowing all of the answers.
Stupid questions. Horse before the cart questions. Questions I’ll never have the answers to.

Screw you mental illness for not letting me, for him, have the answers. Today just a big screw you!


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