Archive for August, 2016

I’m just his mother. 

August 20, 2016

Well it would appear that summer is coming to a close.  It would appear I completely missed it. 

I’ve spent a busy summer working and trying desperately to figure out this new phase of life.

One which finds my Dude growing in Independence and more stable and level then we’ve seen in 10 years. It’s wonderful and odd all at once. 

One in which finds my Punk just growing into this amazingly independent, open minded and compassionate young woman. 

I have spent a lot of time looking back and reflecting on where we started, our journey so far, and how we reached a point of not wandering through everyday with a deep seeded fear of not knowing if our child would make another day. 

I’ve come to realize that the journey so far most certainly was not easy.

 For years we attended 3 weekly appointments with the closest being 40 minutes away. We had to make heart wrenching decisions to admit our little boy to the hospital. Unlike if he was hospitalized for a physical illness where we could sleep beside him, we left standing and breaking on the opposite side of a locked door. This was necessary 3 times before he was 10. Nothing, I mean nothing, is worse than leaving your baby in what you hope are capable hands and trying to carry-on for weeks filled with your own tears and cracking heart.

  We spent years trying meds,tweaking meds. We walked on eggshells.  We watched our child every moment of many days trying anything to ease the pain.  We hid every sharp object to prevent the only way he could think to ease it. And we held on for dear life. Our child’s dear life. 

I’ve also come to realize that the journey so far has been SO worth it. 

It didn’t happen overnight. In fact it’s been so gradual I hadn’t really even noticed. He’s stable and level and I have the child I knew was in there, back.  Of course we don’t know for how long, we don’t know what tomorrow holds. But if this journey has taught me one thing,it’s to be in and embrace and celebrate the good moments. 

 It’s taught me that I am strong and fierce when it comes to my children.  It’s taught me that for my children i will do anything. It’s taught me that no two people are alike. It’s taught me to judge less and accept more. It’s taught me that little things,things we take for granted, are in fact big and life living moments. Its taught me that working your ass off does make a difference. It does pay off. 

We can listen to him ramble about all things random for hours, for he is talking full of joy. We can listen to his eclectic mix of music for days,because he’s sharing a passion. We can’t hear his laughter enough, because we hadn’t heard it for so long. We can breathe a little bit more, because we held our breaths for so long. 

We are here. Now. In this incredible moment. We are not looking ahead. We are though looking back the odd time, to remind us of where we started. 

This child of ours is a warrior. A fighter. A survivor.  He is why we are where we are. He is the one who has the determination and the courage to live. He is the one who fought and fights the hardest battles. He is the one who has battled and likely will again the trenches of illness and worked hard to get to today. He is empathic, compassionate, caring, kind, open, funny, sincere and loyal. He is my son. 

I am just lucky enough to be his mother.