Posts Tagged ‘mother’

Because of the Dad’s

June 21, 2015

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I am the daughter of an amazing dad, I was the granddaughter of an incredible grandfather.
I am now a wife to my sons first hero, and my daughters first love.

More often than not, dad’s are the behind the scenes parents. They don’t get near the recognition we mom’s do, or that they deserve.

I grew up, and continue to be surrounded by, strong, kind, funny, and compassionate dad’s . Yes my dad (dad’s, because now I have two thanks to my husband) and husband, but my circle of great dad’s is full: my brother, Uncle’s, grandpa, family friends.

I truly believe that because I was surrounded by such strong dad influences, I knew what a good man was and I knew when I had one.
As time marched on, and with having our children, the amazing list of dad’s was extended to my children.

Often when faced with chronic illnesses in children (especially in disorders with stereotypes and stigmas) parents differ on how these deal, handle or cope. We (men and women) are wired differently, us mom’s tend to become more emotional and consumed, and we talk more, a lot more. That’s not to say that dad’s don’t feel the same losses, stresses etc, they just deal handle and cope differently. In our case that usually means my husband levelling me out, calming me down and standing strong while I crumble while dealing with whatever it is that needs to be dealt with as well.
It’s often mom at the forefront, at appointments, meetings etc. I think I’ve attended one meeting alone. And I’ve never had to drive alone to a critical appointment. I am not alone in being my children’s parent, ever.

I think of the hospital stays dude has had, when my husband did the drop offs alone because I found it to hard, where almost every day dude had a visit from papa, uncle’s (and aunts) checking in and delivering books and treats. I think of the support, love and uninhibited acceptance the dad’s in our lives give him. How I am often amazed at how those dad’s just get him.  How all of these grown “guys guys” will be soft when needed. They don’t judge, they don’t question, they accept what is, and because of that, my son has amazing role models in fatherhood.

I think of our daughter and how blessed she is to have all of these men surrounding her.
Watching her bond with her dad is one of the most incredible gifts I’ve been given. He truly is her best friend and he her biggest fan. How it’s usually her dad or papa not missing a game, and always there cheering her on.
With so many wonderful men, there’s no wonder why she’s who she is. How she’s surrounded by men who adore her.  I often think of her future husband, and what big shoes he’ll have to fill because she’s already such a strong young lady and those dad’s in her life all have big feet. They accept her and love her and give her value and strength, and because of that my daughter has amazing  role models in fatherhood.

I count the dad’s in my life as one of my biggest blessings. Without them I wouldn’t be the person I am. Without them I wouldn’t be the mother I have become.
Because of the dad’s in my life, I am lucky!

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Because of the dad’s

June 21, 2015

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I am the daughter of an amazing dad, I was the granddaughter of an incredible grandfather.
I am now a wife to my sons first hero, and my daughters first love.

More often than not, dad’s are the behind the scenes parents. They don’t get near the recognition we mom’s do, or that they deserve.

I grew up, and continue to be surrounded by, strong, kind, funny, and compassionate dad’s . Yes my dad (dad’s, because now I have two thanks to my husband) and husband, but my circle of great dad’s is full: my brother, Uncle’s, grandpa, family friends.

I truly believe that because I was surrounded by such strong dad influences, I knew what a good man was and I knew when I had one.
As time marched on, and with having our children, the amazing list of dad’s was extended to my children.

Often when faced with chronic illnesses in children (especially in disorders with stereotypes and stigmas) parents differ on how these deal, handle or cope. We (men and women) are wired differently, us mom’s tend to become more emotional and consumed, and we talk more, a lot more. That’s not to say that dad’s don’t feel the same losses, stresses etc, they just deal handle and cope differently. In our case that usually means my husband levelling me out, calming me down and standing strong while I crumble while dealing with whatever it is that needs to be dealt with as well.
It’s often mom at the forefront, at appointments, meetings etc. I think I’ve attended one meeting alone. And I’ve never had to drive alone to a critical appointment. I am not alone in being my children’s parent, ever.

I think of the hospital stays dude has had, when my husband did the drop offs alone because I found it to hard, where almost every day dude had a visit from papa, uncle’s (and aunts) checking in and delivering books and treats. I think of the support, love and uninhibited acceptance the dad’s in our lives give him. How I am often amazed at how those dad’s just get him.  How all of these grown “guys guys” will be soft when needed. They don’t judge, they don’t question, they accept what is, and because of that, my son has amazing role models in fatherhood.

I think of our daughter and how blessed she is to have all of these men surrounding her.
Watching her bond with her dad is one of the most incredible gifts I’ve been given. He truly is her best friend and he her biggest fan. How it’s usually her dad or papa not missing a game, and always there cheering her on.
With so many wonderful men, there’s no wonder why she’s who she is. How she’s surrounded by men who adore her.  I often think of her future husband, and what big shoes he’ll have to fill because she’s already such a strong young lady and those dad’s in her life all have big feet. They accept her and love her and give her value and strength, and because of that my daughter has amazing  role models in fatherhood.

I count the dad’s in my life as one of my biggest blessings. Without them I wouldn’t be the person I am. Without them I wouldn’t be the mother I have become.
Because of the dad’s in my life, I am lucky!

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Bipolar awareness, love from a mother.

March 30, 2015

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This will be short. Because for those suffering today is just another day of battle and unknowns.
This illness is not one prone to going away, there is no cure.
My favourite quote regarding this is

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I know that I don’t live with bipolar, but having a young son who fights every single day, it has taught me more than I thought possible.

I urge you to read previous posts on this blog, I urge you to open your mind and heart, and simply understand this illness is not one of ease, that these individuals suffering are not less than us, they are not ill for your humour.

I ask that you simply, and quite easily break down the stigma and stereotypes that so many seem to accept and tolerate in regards to bipolar.
You must understand bipolar is like a snowflake, each one is different, which makes treatment that much more difficult.
I ask that you refuse to tolerate jokes, jabs and cartoons at bipolars expense.
I ask that you think long and hard about how you would feel if you, your child, your spouse or parent fought hard every day to stay here with you, and that yes sadly sometimes they succumb to the illness but until you walk the road don’t you dare say that they’ve chosen it.

I ask that as you wouldn’t scoff at treatment of cancer or heart disease you don’t scoff at that of bipolar.
I ask that you open your eyes and accept and understand this is a real, life or death, chronic illness.
I ask that even if you don’t understand it, you don’t judge it.

And if you are suffering, I ask that you trust that you are loved, valued and appreciated. You may have bipolar but bipolar isn’t who you are!
You are so so much more! You are talented, and kind.
You are stronger than most, and courageous beyond measure.
You are you. And that is enough!
Don’t let close mindedness and ignorance determine who you are.
You are as good as anyone else walking, and better than some,but definitely not less because of your illness.
Be proud, and be strong. Be yourself and hold your head high.
You are loved, and those who don’t get it don’t matter.

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What I know for sure!

November 1, 2014

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Here’s what I know for sure. I know for sure my child has bipolar. I know for sure I love him just as he is.
I am a very open minded person, I don’t judge when others choose as treatment, I don’t question when someone has been given a certain diagnosis. Maybe I’m naive, but I don’t think so.
You see I also know that I’m fed up, sick and tired and done with others questioning or doubting the validity of my sons diagnosis.
It’s weighed on me for some time, opening up this can of worms, but open I must.
You see there’s people who have actually argued with me, got angry at me because they think he has something else (autism is number one of this argument).
Trust me when I say I know his illness for sure.
We didn’t grab this diagnosis out of a flipping top hat. In fact we work with a doctor that will not diagnosis a young child with bipolar, because their brains and development change so quickly, in reality my son is one of very few he’s felt that strongly to diagnose at the beginning of adolescence.
But see this doctor isn’t the only person we’ve dealt with in the last ten years.  Dude has been assessed and tested by pediatrician, OT, pt, three psychologists, sees a neurologist yearly, with mris, eegs and scans,  a geneticist and everyone in between.  No we’re not new to this.
Through testing, on going for years, years of OT, pt, and therapy, meds, changes, and then some more testing a few pediatrics physc stays, every single professional in our realm has produced the same conclusion. Rapid cycling bipolar, severe anxiety and ocd and ptsd from bullying.

You know what though? I don’t need them to tell me.  We live it. 
When meds need an increase it reaffirms to me we are doing the right thing, because there’s nothing scarier or sadder than not being level. Yes chemicals, shocker!
We’ve had him off all meds at one time, only one of very few times I’ve seen my husband teary as his little boy sobbed, screamed, tried ripping the sink off the wall, and finally crumbled in a ball. The knives were locked up, the razors with them,  nothing in his room that could harm him. That would be our life without the therapies and medication.
But no he’s not bipolar… (enter sarcasm).
We’ve held our son after trying to take his life, we’ve screeched to a hault on the highway as he tries to jump out,  we’ve soothed and calmed when there’s no bringing him down.
But no he’s got something else, not bipolar… Maybe if we just cut something out of his diet he’d be fine…. Oh FYI done that, and guess what? Not a bit of difference, again shocker!

This seems to be one of the biggest hurdles with any invisible illness, people assume that they know better or doubt it.  I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a physically ill person questioned about their illness, I’ve never witnessed someone saying “you know I don’t think you’re actually paralysed, I think you just have an allergy”  or “ahhhh I’d suggest taking this,  I don’t think you’re fighting cancer, I just think you’re not praying enough”.  Sounds pretty ridiculous right? Yet those faced with invisible illnesses hear it all and then some regularly.  And as a mother of a child whose been diagnosed I’ve heard it waaayyy to often, and I am done. I am pissed off and sick of it.
Do people actually think I wouldn’t do anything to have my son happy and healthy, do they actually think I wouldn’t choose something more straightforward if possible? Do they actually think for a second that maybe, just maybe we wouldn’t give anything for our children? We do,  daily every second of every day, and that’s why we are where we are.  Because the meds work, the therapy work. We’ve seen the improvement, we’ve seen the proof because no we’re not new to this!
Don’t ever doubt my love, support and loyalty to my children. Ever. And for God’s sake don’t question me, I have about three binders of reports to prove you wrong.
Yes I know for sure my son has bipolar, and I know for sure I love him just as he is!

I’m the best mom. And so are you.

October 25, 2014

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You are the best mom.

We all have days,  days of guilt, fear,  dread and sadness. But as long as you are doing your best, you are present, loving, aware and trying, you are the best mom.

I don’t care if you are a stay at home mom or a working mom.
I don’t care if you breastfeed or bottle feed.
I don’t care if you vaccinate or don’t.
I don’t care if you give your child medication, or choose not to.
I don’t care if you’re happily married, or happily single.
I don’t care if you have an only child or ten.

Those things don’t make you the best mom, let alone better than the other side.

This good ,  better and best mom debate needs to stop!
What you choose to do in the best interests of your child, does not mean the other mom’s doing different aren’t the best mom too.  Let’s face it we each have unique children, what makes us think mom’s aren’t as unique.  We don’t all fit in the same bubble. Thank God!
Each family is different, each situation is different. That doesn’t make it wrong.
And quite honestly, your children will not look at you in 10 years and say “you are the best mom,  you (enter any of above here) ”

I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of the debates, the bashing, the my way or the highway mentality. I’ve had it! Yes I’m sure everyone can quote one thing or another to prove that really those things make you a better mom because so and so makes your child this or that.
I don’t care! We are mom’s, bottom line. No long winded medical mumbo jumbo can take that away from us.  And because there’s so much on either side of the debates, I say chuck that crap and focus on what’s important. Your child and your family, not their child and their choices.
I can’t be alone? Maybe I am.

What makes you the best mom to YOUR child (because it doesn’t necessarily mean you’d be the best mom to mine)?
Because you care.
Because you kiss the boo boos,  and wipe the tears.
Because you read the stories, and give out hugs and kisses aplenty.
Because you educate yourself  I  any given personal situation.
Because you help with the homework, and lose countless hours of sleep.
Because you chauffeur.
Because you do whatever you can to help your child be the best they can.
Because you do your best to keep them safe and healthy, mostly happy.
Because you love your child, like no other could.

Those are a few amongst many reasons you are the best mom.

That doesn’t mean the rest of us aren’t  too.

Scared, proud, sad, happy

July 20, 2014

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How can 13 years go so fast, yet so slow?
There were days I thought that would last forever.
Doctors visits, therapy sessions and hospital stays that seemed endless.  In fact I was sure at those moments they were the end of the world.
Dude turns 13 today.  And yes I shed a tear (or more ).
I look back on the moment I first became a mother.
I remember the joy, the fear most of all the love.
My first little (literally ) miracle baby. With a head full of jet black hair and old eyes.
I remember almost instantly becoming a protective mama bear.
I was young (21), and I was scared.
Could I do this? Would I be good at being a mommy?  What if I had more clue? I didn’t!
As the years passed and we learned our boy was not going to be the typical child, I realized I really truly didn’t care. If we had him, that was enough.
I learned that each day truly is a blessing, because you really never know what tomorrow will bring.
You see there are moments that I wish he could be as free as other children.  Moment’s my heart physically hurts for him. Moment’s that having the weight of bipolar and other illnesses is almost to much to bare for him.
But there’s moment’s of accomplishment, moment’s of strength and Oh so many moment’s of courage.
And there’s love.  Endless love and caring and kindness.
We don’t know what to expect as the teen years come.  OK we know kind of what the general teen years bring. 
But see I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t that scared mom all over again.  We know these years will
be our toughest.  We know That life will throw us some huge curves in these years to come.
And I’m scared.  I’m scared I won’t have the words, and the comfort he’ll need.  I’m scared even if I do they won’t be enough.
Yes I understand I need to embrace this stage.  Yes I am loving and looking forward to the young man he is and will become.
But there’s a piece of me that’s petrified because you see a teen /young adult with bipolar is a very scary, very real thing. It’s not the normal ups and Downs.  Not the normal attitude.  No it’s very realistically life or death.
So yes say what you will, I’m scared.
I’ve shared that I’ve been having a hard time with the looming 13th birthday, but o haven’t shared why, because it’s not a great or easy thing to share.  And it’s a lonely place to be with a fear you’re not sure people will understand.
But you don’t need to understand. 
Actually I’m glad most people don’t, because that would mean you are going through it.
But I’m proud. So extremely proud of my son. I love his compassion, his acceptance, his understanding, his loyalty, his old soul.
I love that if he let’s you see that twinkle in his eye you know your special!
I love his perseverance, his strength and his bravery.
I love his heart, his wisdom and his elusive laughter.
I am so incredibly proud he chose me for his mom.
I am so incredibly proud to call him my son.
May the stars shine bright just for you buddy, may your worries be small and your days bright.
May you receive all the happiness you deserve.

Dear self,

May 30, 2014

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Dear 20’s self,

I see the love as you hold his hand at the alter.
I hear the words spoken. Remember them. As you journey this journey together.
Cherish and love, even in the scary, hard moments, grab that hand and hold on tight.
Because you’re going to have times you’re lost.
But know this, you’ve chosen well. He’s not going anywhere!

That baby boy your holding?
Life’s not going to be easy. You’ll have hospital stays. Close calls. And scary moments, and in the first 2 years of his life you’ll almost loose him as many times.
But you won’t. And you’ll appreciate life more for it.

I see you lost, distraught and devestated a few years later as you leave from the first round of tests with information.
I hear you question, I see you transform your mind as you let the typical life go, and accept that that precious boy won’t be one of the team, won’t fit the box society desperately tries to put boys into.
I watch you on your daily trips, to doctors, to therapist’s, for tests.
Youre doing ok ! You’re holding up. You’re learning, and guiding. Give yourself some credit.
And remember that hand you held at the alter? Grab it tight, because you need it!

I see you filled with pride,as you hold that baby girl. The girl that shouldn’t be here. But she is. And because of that you believe in miracles.
I watch you while you learn how to juggle two. I watch as that determined little girl grows
I see you teaching her acceptance and kindness. Though there wasn’t much teaching to be done. That little girl has carried that personality since before you met.
I love watching the soulful, spirited girl she is! Be proud, she is unique, creative, compassionate and down right funny. Don’t expect much down time, she’s going to wear you out!
Be proud that you’ve raised a daughter in this crazy world to be just who she is, nobody else.

Remember there’s moments that you don’t know how you’re going to do it. Remember you will. And remember it’s just a moment in time.
Those moments that you question things that will never be answered, accept that. Those moments that hurt your heart so bad it physically hurts. Cry.

When that baby boy is no longer a baby and is faced with more than even you could bare. Carry the load and hold him. You’re strong enough for both of you. Know that you don’t know what the future holds, but know that you’re doing all you can, and for that he is grateful. Know that though there are scary, unknown, heart breaking moments, that those moments will make the good one’s that much better!

When that baby girl is growing into a young woman. Know it’s not you she hates. Hug her and let her lose it,because being a girl is hard. She’ll need you more than ever. Remember to tell her she’s smart, funny, and talented. Yes she’s a beautiful girl, but she needs to know she’s more than just a pretty face.
And that man you looked at all those years ago, hug him. Be thankful that he’s been your rock so far on this journey. And thank him. Thank him for being an understanding, supportive father. Thank him for loving you at your worst as well as your best.

And take a moment every now and then to just breathe!

Most of all remember you are strong, you are courageous, you are you!

Sincerly,
34 year old self.

Dear Mom

April 26, 2014

Dear Struggling  Mom,
I see you struggling, I hear your tears,I feel your frustration.
I’m here to tell you, you are not alone.
There are times in life when our hugs aren’t enough. When are word’s simply won’t fix things.
There are times you’ll feel judged, gossiped about, and all alone.
There are times you know at your core things are to big, but I know your fear.
I know how painful it is. I know how scary it is to ask for help.
But you are a mother, and you will do all you can to protect and help your child.
There’s no shame.
There’s no need for others to judge, and if they do, you truly don’t need them.
After 12 years of being a mother to a unique child with a gambit of his own disorders, I’ve learned a few things. And some of the lessons have been harder than anything I’ve faced. Here’s a few things I’ve learned:
1. It’s not about me. Is it hard?  It’s harder than anything, but don’t worry about what others will say about you or your parenting.  There’s days my heart breaks for my son, but honestly I have yet to feel bad for myself.  He is my child, and it’s him I hurt for.
2. Get help if you need it.  There is absolutely no shame in therapy,  talking to friends and family and getting support! Not only for your child but for yourself!
3. Patience.  God knows you’ll need it. When we as mother’s can’t fix something we want to know answer’s and reasons right now! It’s taken six years for my son’s final (and biggest ) puzzle piece to come to light. The first thing’s, second thing’s, he’ll the tenth things tried don’t always work. And it sucks not knowing the whys, but there’s a good chance you never will. Have patience with the system, your child and yourself!
You are stronger than you think.
You are braver than anyone knows.
You are wiser  than you feel.
You are more exhausted than you let on.
You are incredible.
You are beautiful.
You are mom!

With all the love and support,
A bipolar, SPD, GAD, OCD, DCD
Mother.

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I’m sorry, but someone needs me more.

February 19, 2014

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Bipor ——-///////—-/////—-/
mixed state (rapid ) Bipolar -/-/-/-
A little visual,though not nearly accurate. With Bipolar the states can last weeks,months even. I don’t know much about it as I’m just learning about the second. Where the states change extremely rapidly, in our case in minutes.  We’ve been told this is the more severe of through two, but also that as Dude ages it could morph into the first, I truly hope so.
Add to that, anxiety, panic,ocd, dcd and tourettes and I’m sorry.
Like I said in am earlier post I’m a giver, that’s who I am. I listen, I hug and I do my best to support, no matter what someone is going through.  My heart breaks for fellow parents going through any sort of trouble with their children. But I’m sorry.
I’m not trying to be a bad,unsympathetic friend by not being the shoulder,I’m not trying to be a bad business woman by having to close so I can attend meetings where I cry,.trust me I’d rather be at work. I’m not trying to be a bad volunteer by not stepping up more, or pulling back.
Right now this giver needs to take. Yes to put it bluntly right now it is all about me,OK not me but me being a mom. Second to that is my business as that allows me creative release!
Right now I need to focus. I need to educate myself and my family and I need a game plan!
Right now I need to be able to use someone else’s shoulder for a bit.
It’s not easy being I’ll at any age. Imagine being yet a child. Children don’t have the coping or communication skills We as adults do.imagine not being able to put words to your emotions and pain. Imagine at such a young age questioning how you’re going to be able to live like this forever. Because it is forever,  it may be able to be stabilized, but no one can guess when and for how long. It’s not going away. But we’ll sure give it our best shot!
Who said life would be easy anyway? I just wish it didn’t have to be so damn hard on kids.
So I am sorry if I’m letting others down today, but you see someone needs me more.
Someone told me I’m on a roller coaster and the only way not to puke is to scream, so I’m screaming!!

Looking back and ahead.

January 27, 2014

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Bear with me on this one folks, a little ranting, raving, but worth it in the end 🙂

So I constantly see other blogs, cartoons,etc telling us how we are parenting wrong. How the world we knew has gone to hell in a hand basket because we spoil our kids.
Quite frankly I’m sick of reading them.
Just because something was acceptable and good years ago does not make it acceptable today.
Let’s look back for a minute…. Years ago there were no seat belts, pregnant mothers were told to drink beer while pregnant, smoking was the norm in hospitals, fathers went to work then out for a drink, not spending much time with their kids, kids left school in grade 8, bullying was only considered a problem if a child was beat.
Do you see where I’m going?
Do I think some things were better then? Of course I do. But I’m also well aware that as with anything, the more you learn, things change. Life evolves.

For starters I remember my grandparents telling heart breaking stories of torture at the hands of their peers, was anything done? Nope, in fact had an older boy not happened across my grandmother tied to a post with the grass burning at her feet, who knows what the outcome would have been. (I’m only using this example because its one I can really speak on and is close to my heart:-)  )
So yes the definition of bullying has changed, as it damn well should. It is a proven fact that verbal, mental, emotional scars from bullying are worse than the physical.
It is often assumed bullies are bullied at home, so take it out on others,another myth, more often than not they have to much self confidence, self righteous, and entitlement issues. That can come from yes you guessed it the society we live in today, and yes sometimes even the way we parent. Because yes if you give them an inch,they’ll take an inch.
Your probably wondering where this is even coming from? I’ve read few things recently that we as parents of victims make a big old pity party out of it. Are you kidding me?! Do you think for one second I wanted that for my child? Do you think I just loved having him hospitalized due to it? Ya that was awesome.  My one piece of advice is if you are going to write/post about such things, possibly wait until you’ve had to deal with the situation, or at least until you have children or your children are out of diapers. Not saying you don’t get an opinion on it, but reserve that until your toddler is actually in school.
The word bully is in fact over used, thrown around far to easily, lessing the meaning for those affected. It’s a bit of a double edged sword. But I can tell you for those of us who have battled that battle, it is real,its horrible, its terrifying and there’s no pity party about it!

Once again I say, if you are a parent, and doing the best you can, trying hard to raise a hard working, caring,and kind little human,that’s what matters.  I am so so very tired of the parent judging, that’s what I’m tired of, not that maybe Suzy coddles her child to much, or Jenny is to hard on her child. Guess what I’m not those kids parent, so I don’t know what works, or doesn’t. As long as you are a present parent, your not abusing your child, you won’t get judgment on your parenting from me. Cause god knows I wish people wouldn’t judge me. Don’t like the way “society” is making our kids? Society isn’t their parent, we are so it is up to us, in so many areas (the above was just one example) to create the children we want for the world we want. Weather it be fresh water, clear blue skies, acceptance, lessen poverty, abolish homelessness, keeping our farms alive, keeping our cultures viable, that is up to us to instill in our children.
Good jobs parents, good job for being the shoulder for your childs tears, the ears that hear their laughter, the eyes that see them grow,the hands that nourish them, the feet that get them to where they need to go. You are hard working,loving, kind and compassionate, you ARE good enough. You are unique, you are individual, you are the perfect parent for your children. You have the incredible gift of being your kids parent.
Now give your kids a hug 🙂