Posts Tagged ‘mother’s’

Your child.

April 19, 2015

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When you find out you’re expecting, you start planning! You plan the nursery, you plan appointments, delivery, names and everything in between.
One thing I know for sure is when that sweet baby arrives, you will continue to plan.
The other thing I know for sure is planning doesn’t mean anything, especially that it will happen!

We have our babies and we have a vision. I’m telling you right now, erase it!
Let them create their own.
And accept them. Let your expectations go and realize they are who they are and being just them, is perfect.

I can remember receiving my sons first diagnosis and having a hard time accepting that my son would never be the side kick to his dad we had expected our little boy to be. He’d never lace up skates, and never be accepted as one of the team or one of the cool kids.
That’s a tough pill to swallow.

And yet here I am 8 years later, a few more diagnosis, a lot of lessons and perfectly content with who my son is and growing into.
And a daughter, younger, I believe who has benefited from my just embracing them as they are. She’s fiercely individual and unique, strong willed and could care less about the box she’s supposed to fit into within society.

My children are who they are, not who I planned for them to be while holding them that first time. But better!

If I could tell new parents a few things of the years to come, from raising a son who lives with numerous disorders (bipolar, sensory processing disorder, developmental coordination disorder, severe anxiety, OCD… ), and one “typical”  daughter who is anything but typical, it would be…

1. Don’t worry about the other kids, or what the books say. They’re not yours, so don’t worry if little Johnny walked first or talked later. Every single kid develops at their own pace. Let your mind rest that in 10 years it won’t matter. (of course if you’re concerned visit your professional).

2. Allow your child to be their own person. Yes of course parent and guide, but it’s important to remember that they are not you. They’re born with their own personality,they’ll find their own passions  interests and goals. Embrace them, even if they’re not yours.

3. Let go. Sometimes we’re faced with the reality that our reality is not what we had planned or hoped for. That’s OK! Grieve (and you will) for those losses, because you will have to find a new path with in your reality. Let the pre conceived realities go. Accept what is and find your best self with in it. Holding onto the plans and hopes you held may now be unrealistic, and continuing to live there will not help anyone.  Enjoy the reality you have as much as you can (and yes some days won’t be all that enjoyable)!

4. Embrace the little things. And I mean what is considered little. I celebrate things every day that other parents take for granted. A smile, the ever so rare laughter. The going to school, the saying hi to someone. All of it. They may seem small, but for some they are huge. And for some we don’t know how long we’ll have them. Embracing your child as they are, and the little things that brings will bring you great joy.

5. Be proud. Love them. Simply love them and support them as they are. Always.

Big breath…

February 15, 2015

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It has taken me the last year, since dude’s diagnosis, to accept the fact I won’t ever have the why as to his illness. Now I must accept I can’t control the illness and certain things it causes.
And both suck!
I am a person who needs to know and more than that I am a person who hates not having control more than almost anything.
The last few months I have almost physically felt the pressures of having a bipolar kiddo who is in a crash.
By that I mean the pressures I put on myself.
Get him to get up and to school more than once a week, because how does it look if I can’t even get him to do that? Because God knows what everyone is thinking when a thirteen year old gets to stay home so much.

Mom’s lazy, mom’s to easy, mom’s not trying hard enough.

The only way I can describe our morning’s, because it’s impossible to, is that if my boy could claw his skin off he would, he’s that uncomfortable and overwhelmed.
I am none of these things, far from it.

Every night I go to bed wondering if I will play the role of bad cop, or good cop  or will I even have to put on a uniform in the morning?

I mentioned at our meeting this week, my goal was to get him a) to school 4 days a week and b) through grade nine in his current school. The psychiatrist looked at me and asked  “that’s fine, but what’s HIS goal?”

Just like that I knew neither one of us can control his disorder. Sure we can manage it, but we can not control it. 

Then there’s the pressure I feel when people question our plans for highscool.
“he has to face tough things in life”
“you can’t put him in a bubble ”
” needs socialization “….
Here’s the blunt truth.  I believe the majority of social skills ARE NOT learned in high school, except a few ones that really could be done without.

I also know that these next few years are going to be the hardest. And my job as a parent is to keep my child as stable and healthy as possible, and if we can keep him alive through these years, that’s all that matters!

I’ve realized that we as parents helping our children who are on this road,  don’t need to justify our actions to anyone. We are the only ones who know what we deal with.

I am also trying to learn to be in this moment.  I am a planner, and there must be a schedule . Not just for dude, but I myself have major add, and I need to know, to yes control my own mind and world. My family laughs that if I don’t know what is happening 5 years from now, I can’t handle it!

Yet here I am a mother trying to plan and schedule a disorder in my child I can’t, I simply can’t and that I have to accept. And this is plain hard, I want to know he’s going to be OK, I want to know exactly what days are going to be hard and exactly what that will entail.

I was told by dude’s psychologist that we must be in the moment, don’t think about tomorrow morning, or yesterday morning and definitely not the morning five years from now! And more truth could not be spoken.
I suppose dude’s not the only one trying to retrain the brain.
I suppose I will do my damdest to accept I can’t control everything, and I need to ease up on myself, and remember….
It is what it is!

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Good grief, indeed!

December 14, 2014

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Ahhhh good old Charlie Brown! Sums up this week perfectly!
As I’ve mentioned this is an extremely busy time of year for myself, I’ve also mentioned that this isn’t the easiest time of year for dude.

There’s been a few signs here and there the past few weeks, that that ever so touchy balance was starting to tip.
  But I’m going to be honest, I just kept thinking they were still only a few, it’s Christmas season and I’m not sure I have time to deal with anything other than work right now so I let those signs not necessarily ignored but definitely not front and centre either because I really don’t have time for appointments, phone calls and I am dog tired to boot. Does that mean I’m a horrible mom? I don’t think so, I think any parent of a sick child sometimes just wishes positive thinking will be enough, I know I’m notorious for that, and in the meantime I miss signs that looking back I wish I hadn’t, enter all the mom guilt possible.

Apparently no matter how hard I try to pretend things are fine, sometimes they don’t listen or follow my schedule dammit!

One sign things are tipping is dude feels sick all the time, his stomach has always been a physical radar for us to use, but with flu season upon us, gallons of milk being drunk it is also sometimes hard to read the cause.
Another tell tale sign is his telling his head to shut up. For most of us we self talk in our heads, but when things are particularly tough he will voice it.
The sniffles are back, a sign he’s stressed to the max.
The rapid mood cycles hit late this week, along with crippling panic.
Then there’s the paranoia, it’s not full blown, it’s something most wouldn’t even pick up on, but thank God his teachers know these subtle signs.
Needless to say that this week I am grateful for a phenomenal team supporting him, it’s crucial we all communicate because we all see different pieces of the puzzle.
The teachers who alert administration (also Nana in our case), administration doing an assessment and comforting and contacting his psychologist who be lines for the school and spends the morning with him until I can get there, the doctor who rearranges schedules so we can see him next week instead of next month. How important the communication is  is more than I can put on words.

Apparently bipolar gave two shits about his mom’s schedule and made one of it’s own. 
Surprising, not really. Inconvenient, yup.
Does it matter  nope.
What matters is not only we caught this spiral before it was deeper and that dude himself has found an awareness about his illness that makes the break a bit more manageable on his part. His knowledge that this is just part of his illness brings him a bit of comfort I think.  Though he’s repeatedly said this week he wishes his life wasn’t full of ups and downs, mostly downs. He wishes he could just be normal. And one of his friends upon an explanation to the class asked if there was a cure, would he ever be better? And there’s nothing more my boy would love, it brings him peace knowing that this to shall pass.
What matters more than a few hours missed work is that we have support and a plan to get through this down slide.
What matters more than absolutely anything is that dude knows he is loved, that he is never ever going to travel these roads alone.
And what makes each and every ounce of frantic running, rearranging and super early mornings to fit in Christmas at the shop, and turmoil at home?
When I get home from a day of teaching Christmas classes, I’m bone tired and dude meets me at the door with a hug out of nowhere and says, “mom thank you for always being there for me, especially when I really need it”.

The kid is worth it all and more, but I still think Charlie’s nailed it…. Good grief!

What’s worth it?

October 13, 2014

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We all get offended, some of us more than others, partly because it’s the nature of our personality, partly because we live in the depths of something that others don’t know,  to no fault of theirs. I often find myself offended, and reminding myself it was nothing personal. Ignorance is bliss.
We also are all offensive at times, again mostly not purposefully. At least I hope not.
We blurt things out, do things we may find funny or mindless without considering that another person might be offended by our words or actions.
Again Ignorance is bliss.

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt when offended, sometimes I’m right in doing so, sometimes not.
Sometimes you just can’t explain to or teach.
Those ones I just walk away, close that door, though sometimes it’s painful to do so.

Our world is full of things to be offended by.  Stigma, stereo types, racism, sexism, war, illness, cruel injustice, etc. 
Those are the topics we need be offended by,  those are the topics we need stand up and raise our voices for.
These are the things worth you and I being offended by.
Not some stupid post by someone living the Ignorance is bliss life on Facebook.  Not by the man holding that guys hand, not by that couple hugging, not by that person who isn’t living just the way you feel is right.
Because we are raising a child who gets stereotyped and stigma on a regular basis I do my best to politely comment or say something when I’m feeling offended by something someone thought innocent enough. Nine times out of ten when the conversation is over they are a) enlightened and b) understanding.  You see I’ve been working on not being offended, so far not so bad, but there are times I think “god I need to say something” because a comment was so off base,  uneducated or potentially harmful to someone.  Those times I say something.  But not bitchy, because like I said Ignorance is bliss and chances are they were either misinformed, are trying to make money by promoting something else other than the whole picture, or really just found something funny.
These people I’m not so offended by. 
It’s people who refuse to understand the ramifications of their words or actions that offend me the most.  I’m not talking a simple post, I’m talking a racist, sexist, judgemental, self righteous mentality.  One who thinks they are better than the rest, who believes their way is the only way, who are directly or inadvertently wreaking havoc with their holier than thou attitudes. Who believe they know everything and then some. The people who openly and happily judge others, because they think they have that right. The people who preach something that in reality they know not much about.  And then I get offended by the abuse and pain being shed on so many people worldwide. I am offended by the treatment of women and girls in other countries. 
I’m offended the most by these types of people.
Not my friend who posted a idiotic comment or pictures. Not by my friend who just came out. Not by my friend who laughed at my mishap. No those are not worth me being offended.
And why would I be?
If you are kind, with a good heart doing good things why would I be offended.
If you are living high on your pedestal, looking down on others, damn rights I’ll be offended.

And I bet I won’t be the only one.

Determination

August 8, 2014

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So today my little spitfire is riding her first dressage horse show.
Don’t ask me to explain, I have no idea. All I know is in the last 2 months with the help of mama m and Nana my girl has gone from an unsure, never ever gonna ride English rider to a confident, impressive one! As she was full of nerves while polishing her boots this morning I told her, it’s not about how well you do, it’s about doing it!
Those words got me reflecting.  I’m the opposite of a risk taker! And often I watch my young 10 year old in a world of unknowns, step in and raise hell doing it.
She amazes me! She is extremely inpatient and hard on herself.  Her temper flares when she’s not perfect right now! But she doesn’t quit (I always did of it didn’t come easy; )) she is a force to be reckoned with, a young girls with a mind of her own. Determination and grit like no one I know.  She drives me crazy a lot. But I know these qualities will serve her well.
She is utterly and completely her. And she could care less what other’s think.
It took me 33 years to accept what she has in 10!
I had someone say to me, she has a good role model.  I laughed it off, made a joke and carried on.  Because i don’t think of myself as that. I’m just mom, and I definitely don’t show horses! And again I do not take risks!
Then I sat this morning and thought.  I guess I have passed on the determination, stubborn general.  When I want to do something I’m gonna do it.  I guess without determination I wouldn’t have a full fledged business.  I wouldn’t have taught myself from scratch to be a florist.  I wouldn’t have gotten results for dude. I would probably still be taking orders from someone else, have not the best treatments for my son. And pretty miserable children.
So Yes I suppose she gets it from me. Though I wish at 10, I knew what she does!
Determination has brought me to a place o never thought I would be. It has made me the mother I am. The businesswoman I am. And the wife I am.
Giving up is ever an option. And if you ask anyone that knows us, Yes around here it’s maybe just a little bit of like mother like daughter!

Just a thought

July 31, 2014

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Here’s the thing.  I’ve had my fair share of judging towards me. More than I know I’m sure. How dare I do this, that or the other thing.

Truth be known I’m not sure I care anymore. Those doing the judging don’t know. Those that know, don’t judge.

Parenting is hard. Damn hard. Being a wife, mother and woman period is hard.
So why must we think we know better? Are we as women just wired this way? I’m not sure, but I like to think we’re more wired to be kind, caring and compassionate.

Why must we throw our two cents in, when we’re not asked?
Every mother I know personally does the best she can. And does what she feels necessary for her child. And shocking as I know it is, we may not know just what that is.

I stopped caring about fellow mother’s a long time ago. OK maybe not about them, but about how they parented and the choices they make (obviously not talking abuse/neglect here). Not to say I don’t ask for or give advice on it in discussion, but as a whole it’s really none of my business!
Here’s a thought: all children are different. All people are different. We’re all, you got it different.
So let it go!
Of course as mother’s and women we don’t agree with all the choices our fellow soldier mother’s make. But if that choice doesn’t effect you or yours, does it really warrant your input? If you’ve yet to face the battle your fellow mom is/has, do you truly (be honest you might surprise yourself ) know what you would do?
Every single (thank God) individual is unique,  therefore every choice, outcome, etc will be unique as well. 
So here’s my other thought.
If you feel that you know better than that mom, or the lady down the street,  maybe take five to actually ask. You may be surprised.
I know when people have actually asked why I made some of the choices I did,  they walked away with the truth, and a better understanding.  Even if they didn’t agree with said choices, they at least cared enough to simply ask and respect my choices instead of jumping the judging, gossiping band wagon.
Im getting quite tired of mother’s vs mother’s, woman vs woman.
There’s no point. Why must we make being a mother and woman harder than it already is?

Take a breath.  Realize that you don’t have to agree with each other, but that each and every one has their reasons, they have their truth, and above all they are women just like you.
Trying to do the best they can. Trying to be the loving mother their children need.
Trying to keep head above water.
Trying desperately to figure this womanhood, motherhood, wifehood, lifehood out!
Trying to survive the shitty days,and embrace the great ones.
And yes they’re trying to do it all without being judged and questioned.
Just my thought….

Let’s get real.

January 31, 2014

I read a blog the other day about real booking, first I laughed my butt off, second I found a lot of truth in the humor!

I am often thankful facebook wasn’t around when my kiddos were little.  Not because I don’t enjoy seeing all the cute pictures, and reading about the little ones of my friends, because I really do.  But because not everyone realizes that what you post is always the reality.  I still find myself comparing when I see a friend share their day, while I have sat in my jammies and just cleaned my house.  I can only imgaine how these can make a new mom feel inadeqate.

 

On the flip side, not every day sucks. 

I work hard ( I run a florist/coffee shop), I’m an early thirties mother of one high needs kid, one typical extremely busy one. But at times I feel like I should still have home baked goodies, a big gourmet supper, etc. Quite frankly they get a decent supper, sometimes roast, sometimes kraft dinner, and I hit the tub for 20 min of me time 🙂 I don’t really have time or care to compare myslf to what so and so did today.  I enjoy seeing their updates, but right now I’m busy.  I’m busy being a mom, yup some nights that means time together, some days that means sitting in my room watching tv, just trying to finsh the day. I’m busy trying to be the best mom I can be.  And for everyone that is different. It has taken me a few years to accept this, and realize all kids are different, which means we parent different.  Some of us work, some of us don’t.  Kudos to both!

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A good day for me, creating and cake !

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 There are so many good moments in my days, I share them.  Some days have a few rough moments, some days are full of them, I share them.  My kids crack me up all the time, I share it.  I am an open book, I don’t sugar coat much (I do refrain from sharing very specific examples of certain things).

My point here is be real, be you. Having a good day, awesome.  Having a shitty one, chin up, this to shall pass 🙂

 

Embrace the moments, the ages and stages. Accept that you are you and be happy with that.
If we were all the same, how fun would that be?
Don’t compare yourself to others, you’re not them, they’re not you.
Love that.
Say what you mean, mean what you say.
Life is to short to try and be anything other than you, and that is good enough!